SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

Sometimes plain ole ammo just won’t do. Get Hornady Zombie Max with Glow in the Dark Tips.

Click to Enlarge

With all the buzz about airport security and the TSA’s new intrusive searches, its great to see an American Icon Saturday Night Live making fun of it all.

Saturday Night Live hasn’t been funny in a long long time but I thought this was great.

Lebron James asks “What should I do?” in his latest Nike ad, and a group of Cleveland Cavaliers fans came up with some answers in a parody of the commercial that has gone viral.

Superstar athletes have become big time whiners. They complain about everything and when they aren’t complaining they are “creating their legacy.” These “stars” have become completely self-absorbed.

Last summer we had to suffer through LeBron James’ special on ESPN to find out his “Decision”, as if there was one. Who didn’t really think he was going to Miami?

This is what makes this re-edited “Nike Rise” Commercial so special. It gives fans especially Cleveland fans a chance to retort LeBron’s crap.

LeBron’s famous Nike commercial edited up by local a Cleveland filmmaker Dan Wantz. Wants is giving Cavalier fans a chance to answer all those philosophical questions LeBron asks in the Nike commercial.

Lebron James “Rise” Commercial & Cleveland’s Response

NIKE BASKETBALL: LEBRON RISE

For those who don’t know I work for 9-1-1. I sometimes think it should be called whine one one. We all know 911 is the number for emergencies; The number to call when a quick response could mean the difference between life and death. This is a positive story from the news about our crazy clients.

I do think my all time favorite was a lady locked inside her Lexus. The battery was dead and she thought she was locked in her car. The call take had her try the handle. Classic.

I love the creative brilliance of internet videos. This is an extremely well-produced, faux trailer depicting what would happen if they had fight club during the days of Jane Austen. Pride and Prejudice would be more popular with males if it had more fights where Lizzy busted up Mr. Darcy with a roundhouse to the face.

Enjoy

Its time for another funny ad from KSL Classifieds.

You know you want it…

The Devil’s very own Craftsman 21″ 5.5 HP Self-propelled Lawnmower. Yes, that is correct, this is in fact Satan’s lawn mower. Manufactured in Hell and shipped via the S.S. Titanic to a Sears store where I bought it.

This lawnmower is no ordinary lawnmower. No. I had hoped to buy an ordinary lawnmower, but instead got this pile of trash.
The sticker on the top indicates that it has a Honda engine. The funny thing is we all know that there is no way that Honda ever built that engine. It is really a Volkswagen engine assembled in Nazi Germany by Hitler himself.

The 5.5 HP engine is so powerful that you might wonder what HP stands for. Well that’s horsepower. Cause it turns out that by horsepower, Craftsman really means Shetland Pony power. And by Shetland Pony power, they actually mean “Not really alive anymore Shetland Pony Power.” You’d really have more luck harnessing a couple of cats to the front and having them pull it.

The sticker also indicates that it is the “Quietest and Lightest” engine available. This is surely a scientific claim verified by a couple deaf body-builders, because the only thing it is quieter and lighter than is a 1965 Lincoln Continental that is missing its exhaust system.

Conveniently, the gas tank that holds exactly enough gas to mow 95% of your yard without needing a refill, and was painted red by Mussolini or Kim Jong Ill, I’m not sure which.

The hardened steel cutting blades is as sharp as it was when it came out of the factory, and while it wont actually cut grass, it will cut things like match box cars, children’s yard toys, and every other sprinkler head in my yard.

This mower mulches or bags. Neither of which it actually really does. It has a side discharge flap that is built of super strong plastic made with a couple melted Ziploc bags. And it NEVER EVER just randomly falls off when you are mowing, covering your face and body with lawn clippings. Who would ever design a mower that would do that? No not even a bitter UAW union worker that was forced to build this piece of crap when he really wanted to be at the Detroit Lions game.

The lawnmower’s favorite movies are, “Thelma and Louse,” “Fried Green Tomatoes,” and “Beaches.” It once went to see “Saw IV,” but had to leave the theater because it got too scared seeing things getting cut.

The oil was last changed sometime during the Clinton administration. But, that said, the lawnmower does come with a lifetime of free oil-changes* (*To redeem your oil changes please contact BP in the Gulf of Mexico, or proceed directly to Pensacola Beach and scoop up a lifetime of free oil.)

This lawnmower has actually achieved Sainthood, when in 2002 it mowed a twenty foot strip of lawn without having the bag chute get clogged! This miracle, though it has never happened again, was witnessed by a 12 year old boy. For more details, contact his local priest. Well on second thought, don’t. He didn’t do anything to that kid. The worst he ever did was maybe watch a couple of episodes of Family Guy. And he is not a pervert. Instead please contact the former Cardinal Ratzinger who will vehemently deny all allegations.

This lawnmower has hardly been used. Any part that was actually used has been replaced because its superior construction and design allow for you to change out quality plastic parts over and over that should have been metal but they were to cheap to use it.

This lawn mower was actually made for a princess to mow her yard made out of cotton candy.

Because of the quality construction, you are the lucky individual that will get this “like new” lawnmower to learn such valuable things about a lawnmower than you never wanted to learn, like:

1) “Guaranteed to start with a single pull” would be true if it had a string long enough to hook to an Atlas V rocket that is going to the moon.

2) “Adjustable-height mowing deck” manages to always scalp part of your lawn any way you adjust it.

3) “Easy Attach Bagger” locks that pesky grass in the bag so that no matter how hard you shake it, that grass will be stuck in there until you finally give up trying to get it out.The throttle cable is currently broken. I just jammed a screwdriver in there this last time to mow with it. Worked better than usual.

I considered hooking it to the back of my car with a rope and driving it down I-15 at 130mph, but instead want to offer the chance for someone else to feel my pain and am selling it to a “deserving” home. One that might have a yard covered completely in rocks or dead grass.

$100 for this little piece of history.

Link to Ad

PDF of Ad

Another Funny KSL Advertisment: “The Honda Stunt Car that is too ballin’”

This morning was day 2 of a huge spring snow storm in Utah.  I was curious what the days forecast was so I checked the local tv stations website.  ksl.com.

This is what I found.

Apparently someone at KSL has a sense of humor on April Fools day. PDF of the Site before they remove it.

The Real Forcast is

A few photos of 8 inches of snow that has  fallen since yesterday morning.

Tiger Woods’ trouble continues as he may soon appear on an amusing new animal rights billboard in his hometown of Windermere, Fla. The Peta, animal rights group  has created a billboard design showing a photo of the Woods with the included text, “TOO MUCH SEX CAN BE A BAD THING.” The message continues beneath the headline: “… for little tigers too. Help keep your cats (and dogs) out of trouble: Always spay or neuter!”

According to the Huffington Post:

A  blog post at PETA’s web site explains the motivation behind the ad:
One unspayed female cat and her offspring can produce an estimated 420,000 cats in only seven years, and a female dog and her offspring can produce 67,000 puppies in six years. Many of those animals end up unwanted and unloved, often dropped off at animal shelters that are already bursting at the seams.

Just as we all know and accept that the sky is blue, we know that every time a breeder or pet store sells an animal, an animal in an animal shelter loses his or her life.

I think PETA is out of control on most fronts but this is pretty darn funny.

A dedicated Redskins fan bet his Saints loving Facebook buddies that if the Saints win they can come and shoot up his TV.

Well the Redskins lost in overtime.

His buddies arrived soon after with guns and beer.

This video is REDNECK Central but amusing none the less.