If you are looking to unfriend a family member on Facebook please follow these easy steps.
Step 1: Call and ask if you can move in with your brother and his family
Step 2: When he reluctantly says “Yeah I guess” , be sure to show up with your cat that isn’t friendly to anyone and has extremely smelly poop.
Step 3: Put said cat’s liter box in your brother’s computer area. He loves cats and smelly poop.
Step 4: Allow cat hair to be sucked into brother’s computer killing his high end graphics card. It may sound expensive but it’s really only $500.
Step 5: Don’t Pay for Anything… And I mean anything including but not limited to: high speed internet (wireless), satellite TV, electricity, gas, shampoo or even toilet paper. When eventually confronted after 6 months sign over a $68 check as rent.
Step 6: Be sure to delete the family’s DVRed shows and delete their DVR schedule completely so you can record your shows.
Step 7: Bad mouth everyone you know especially friends and family about what a horrible house keeper your brother and his wife are. It will teach them to be better at it. Don’t bother helping clean, it will only encourage the problem.
Step 8: Treat their foster child with disabilities like trash and boss your niece around so much that they both ask their dad to kick you out.
Step 9: Be sure to pop every one of their air mattresses they have so that they have to buy 4 new ones when they go camping. Remember to always blame it on your friends and never offer to pay.
Step 10: Loan your brother your car and not tell him that the tire has a huge bubble in the sidewall from where you smacked the curb 6 months prior. Be sure to lie about replacing it to your parents and brother and then let him drive it until it pops. Finally let him buy you a new one and put it on after all he owes princess a $180 tire.
Step 11: After mooching for 6 months offer to pay rent, then name your price and don’t pay it until its extremely late and only pay it once but keep staying there sucking off the teat of goodness.
Step 12: When they finally ask you to leave, be a jerk about it and don’t find a place for months.
Step 13: When you can’t find deal as sweet, and the endless nagging becomes too much, leave two checks paying for 6 months of rent. Be sure to purchase concert tickets and a last minute airline ticket in the hours before they deposit the checks. Let the checks bounce they don’t care.
Step 14: When your brother finally gets pissed and gives you 3 hours to get out. Be an ass about it and leave all your stuff including the damn cat.
Step 15: After months of pestering about the cat you left with no food or liter, offer to come get it. Act like you’re picking up your cat but really just leave it in the front yard. Be sure to take the cat accessories like food, liter box etc and put it in his garbage can. Be sure to lie about it to everyone. You’re brother deep down wants your cat; he was just too lazy to get one. If not, he will take care it or at least take it to the animal shelter. Who cares that your niece is being traumatized by taking your cat to the animal shelter.
Now after these 15 steps are completed, you are now justified in unfriending your brother from Facebook. Really, I mean screw him, he is an asshole.