Its time for another funny ad from KSL Classifieds.
You know you want it…
The Devil’s very own Craftsman 21″ 5.5 HP Self-propelled Lawnmower. Yes, that is correct, this is in fact Satan’s lawn mower. Manufactured in Hell and shipped via the S.S. Titanic to a Sears store where I bought it.
This lawnmower is no ordinary lawnmower. No. I had hoped to buy an ordinary lawnmower, but instead got this pile of trash.
The sticker on the top indicates that it has a Honda engine. The funny thing is we all know that there is no way that Honda ever built that engine. It is really a Volkswagen engine assembled in Nazi Germany by Hitler himself.
The 5.5 HP engine is so powerful that you might wonder what HP stands for. Well that’s horsepower. Cause it turns out that by horsepower, Craftsman really means Shetland Pony power. And by Shetland Pony power, they actually mean “Not really alive anymore Shetland Pony Power.” You’d really have more luck harnessing a couple of cats to the front and having them pull it.
The sticker also indicates that it is the “Quietest and Lightest” engine available. This is surely a scientific claim verified by a couple deaf body-builders, because the only thing it is quieter and lighter than is a 1965 Lincoln Continental that is missing its exhaust system.
Conveniently, the gas tank that holds exactly enough gas to mow 95% of your yard without needing a refill, and was painted red by Mussolini or Kim Jong Ill, I’m not sure which.
The hardened steel cutting blades is as sharp as it was when it came out of the factory, and while it wont actually cut grass, it will cut things like match box cars, children’s yard toys, and every other sprinkler head in my yard.
This mower mulches or bags. Neither of which it actually really does. It has a side discharge flap that is built of super strong plastic made with a couple melted Ziploc bags. And it NEVER EVER just randomly falls off when you are mowing, covering your face and body with lawn clippings. Who would ever design a mower that would do that? No not even a bitter UAW union worker that was forced to build this piece of crap when he really wanted to be at the Detroit Lions game.
The lawnmower’s favorite movies are, “Thelma and Louse,” “Fried Green Tomatoes,” and “Beaches.” It once went to see “Saw IV,” but had to leave the theater because it got too scared seeing things getting cut.
The oil was last changed sometime during the Clinton administration. But, that said, the lawnmower does come with a lifetime of free oil-changes* (*To redeem your oil changes please contact BP in the Gulf of Mexico, or proceed directly to Pensacola Beach and scoop up a lifetime of free oil.)
This lawnmower has actually achieved Sainthood, when in 2002 it mowed a twenty foot strip of lawn without having the bag chute get clogged! This miracle, though it has never happened again, was witnessed by a 12 year old boy. For more details, contact his local priest. Well on second thought, don’t. He didn’t do anything to that kid. The worst he ever did was maybe watch a couple of episodes of Family Guy. And he is not a pervert. Instead please contact the former Cardinal Ratzinger who will vehemently deny all allegations.
This lawnmower has hardly been used. Any part that was actually used has been replaced because its superior construction and design allow for you to change out quality plastic parts over and over that should have been metal but they were to cheap to use it.
This lawn mower was actually made for a princess to mow her yard made out of cotton candy.
Because of the quality construction, you are the lucky individual that will get this “like new” lawnmower to learn such valuable things about a lawnmower than you never wanted to learn, like:
1) “Guaranteed to start with a single pull” would be true if it had a string long enough to hook to an Atlas V rocket that is going to the moon.
2) “Adjustable-height mowing deck” manages to always scalp part of your lawn any way you adjust it.
3) “Easy Attach Bagger” locks that pesky grass in the bag so that no matter how hard you shake it, that grass will be stuck in there until you finally give up trying to get it out.The throttle cable is currently broken. I just jammed a screwdriver in there this last time to mow with it. Worked better than usual.
I considered hooking it to the back of my car with a rope and driving it down I-15 at 130mph, but instead want to offer the chance for someone else to feel my pain and am selling it to a “deserving” home. One that might have a yard covered completely in rocks or dead grass.
$100 for this little piece of history.