I wrote this post on 9/22/2020

I don’t know how to sum up the year 2020.  Its been a hell of a ride.  I have had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  Sometimes that is how it is, and we make the best of it.  I don’t want to focus on the lows, but I will mention a few.

Cancer… 5 years 2 months and 14 days I found out I had cancer.  Its been a road of hell.  When I was diagnosed my life expectancy was 5 years.  I have beat the odds thus far. However, this summer my mortality is beginning to show through.  In June I was hospitalized with a pleural effusion a fancy term for my lung space filling with fluid causing me to be unable to breath. This is one of the closest times I have been to death.  Being unable to breath was painful, and I had some very tough days in the hospital and at home. With the Covid-19 epidemic I spent much of my time in the hospital alone.  No visitors.  It was a tough grind.  Amazing people stepped up at the right times to lift my spirits and give me the will to live.

Bair Trip to DCMy wife’s work ethic and constant positive attitude through my cancer has been amazing. Her unwavering faith that I will be healed, and everything will work out amazes me and lifts my spirits every time the darkness comes. She is my rock.  I have spent a lot of time under appreciating her talents and strengths to my detriment. I am unsure why I was blessed with such a special person. I am trying to make up for my lacking.  I want her to know that I love her more than I can express.  She has made my life spectacular but for some reason I struggled to realize it.  Too many insecurities and demons from the past blocked me from giving her the best I had.  I am sorry.

Vince and Susan Peacock, I cannot express my love for them enough.  Vince has called me or texted me or emailed me every step of the way.  He has raised my spirits so many times and in so many ways. 31 years of laughter and tears with that man.  He has had a hand in who I became.  Challenging my thoughts and beliefs talking about things spiritual and temporal.  Always being a rock! I still can’t believe he surprised me with a Taylor guitar for my 50th birthday. I am truly amazed.

What I really wanted to talk about in this was our vacation and my happy summer. I loved throwing the baseball around with my kids.  Teaching them how to play baseball has been such an amazing thing.  Even getting my dad involved. So fun. Tomorrow I am going to start us throwing again since we haven’t since we were in Virginia.

Taking you to Virginia while somewhat disappointing in what we could see we did some cool stuff.  The few minutes we got to stand at the Lincoln Memorial was amazing.  I want to teach you kids about history of our country and how important the Constitution is to our freedom.  Never let them take it. Fight for what is right!

Seeing history everywhere we went was amazing.  Driving through Amish country and seeing how beautiful it was.  Eating delicious Amish food.  Driving into West Virginia and seeing the beauty there even though it was raining.  We did get candy! Even just hanging out at Vince and Susan’s house was so fun.

I think my favorite memory of the trip was the awe on your faces flying in an airplane for the first time.  I love to fly.  I have always wanted to get my pilots license. It’s a dream I have always had.

This summer has been so fun for me. Working from home and spending so much time with my family has been amazing.  It has made me so happy.  These last few months have been some of the best of my life.  I hope that with the bad cancer news we got today that I can live much longer and enjoy more time with my family.  You are my everything. I love you!   Always remember I love you!
50th Birthday Gift

This song rings true to me in so many ways. If its time for me to go… I am at peace with my life.  I have spent the last 5 years trying to be better than ever.  I have learned to forgive a lot of things I have been holding onto for too long. Holding on to things that didn’t matter.

Live Like You Were Dying
by Tim McGraw

He said
“I was in my early forties
With a lot of life before me
And a moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spent most of the next days
Looking at the x-rays
Talkin’ ’bout the options
And talkin’ ’bout sweet time”
I asked him
“When it sank in
That this might really be the real end
How’s it hit you
When you get that kind of news?
Man, what’d you do?”

He said
“I went skydiving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I’d been denying”
And he said
“Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying”

He said
“I was finally the husband
That most of the time I wasn’t
And I became a friend a friend would like to have
And all of a sudden going fishin’
Wasn’t such an imposition
And I went three times that year I lost my dad
I finally read the Good Book, and I
Took a good, long, hard look
At what I’d do if I could do it all again
And then

I went skydiving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Manchu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I’d been denying”
And he said
“Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying
Like tomorrow was a gift
And you’ve got eternity
To think about
What you’d do with it
What could you do with it
What did I do with it?
What would I do with it?

Skydiving
I went Rocky mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I watched an eagle as it was flying”
And he said
“Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying”