Making a Mockery

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Stop the Insanity

Last Saturday I as sat peacefully on my couch watching college football (not BYU Football thanks the MTN and an $80 million dollar deal with the Devil) there is a ruffling at my front door. Yes its another bastard placing crap on my door. The dogs are going nuts and barking. Lately I have just had it with door to door salesman and fliers galore on my door. I notice that the young lad is having trouble putting it on my door. Maybe he was slightly intimidated by my sign that says “Absolutely NO SOLICITING and NO FLIERS, or Ads of Kind. THIS MEANS YOU. I WILL CALL YOUR BUSINESS AND ASK YOU TO COME AND REMOVE IT.” Everyday I have to clean off my door and porch of all the ads that have been taped to my door plus all the ones that blow into my doorway. I am sick of it. Anyway… having had enough of this crap on my door, I open the door, as the young man is running away and I shout loudly “Get ‘em”. This is of course; the dogs cue to chase who ever I point at and in this case the violator. It’s a fun trick that my wife and I do to each others to get the poor dogs riled up before we go for a walk or what ever. Its cheap entertainment and the dogs love it. Being well trained they oblige and chase the poor teen to his car… growling and barking. I am mildly amused. For those who are unfamiliar with my two dogs we have a black lab that occasionally barks mostly just sheds and drools and we have a Miniature Toy New Foundland who is Border Collie sized and who growls at inanimate objects but is afraid of everything. For those of you who wonder that I have lost my mind both these dogs are harmless. I knew that the worst they would do is growl. I guess I was secretly hoping the boy would wet himself as retribution for his propaganda.

The ads that this poor teen has left are election pamphlets which remind me that it’s the time of the year I hate, Election Time. It is a time where I get to decipher all the rhetoric of the wealthy morons who think that “they can make a difference” in my life, determine who of the professional liars is the lesser of two evils. I hate it. I am all for making the world a better place but 9.9 times out of 10 politicians don’t make my world a better place. The ad that I am left with is from LaVar Christensen who is running for Congress challenging incumbent (D) Jim Matheson. First off what kind of sick-o names their son LaVar? I won’t judge the candidate based upon his name.

I start to read the ad… This is a big mistake on my part. I start to see some glaring things that I don’t like. (DISCLAIMER) First let me say I am a Republican. I am conservative. I don’t believe in voting the straight ticket nor do I believe in partisanship crap like our party is better or 99% of the political crap that currently goes on. I vote who I honestly think will do the best job. LaVar and his crew left me a six-page pamphlet of pure propaganda. Can we at least disguise it a little?

The first thing that offended me was a picture of his family.

LaVar Christensen Family Photo

It’s not that families offend me. It’s not even that his family offends me, they don’t really but how does a picture of his extended family in the Holiday 2006 Card photo make me want to vote for him? I think it’s a tad too pretentious. First off they are posed in front of a huge fireplace. Hmmm this screams I am a rich SOB with a huge house. Oh yeah all of us are wearing $150 Ralph Lauren shirts and most likely I/We have no real understanding of the plight of the average Utahan. What marketing genius thought hey lets put this years Holiday card photo on your campaign literature (yes I know that this is a stretch)?

In this lame document, LaVar bashes the Democrats for all things Democrat for three of the 6-pages. This offends me not because the Democrats are right, wrong or whatever. It offends me because it is dirty politics of the lowest kind. It’s kind of like making fun the mentally challenged for being mentally challenged. Can you explain why LaVar bothered to print a full paragraph bashing (CA-D) Nancy Pelosi? After all there is nothing that a Utah resident can do about her. No where in his ad does LaVar Christensen lay out his beliefs, his goals and what he wants to accomplish. Instead he bashes Democrats, he calls himself a Reagan Republican (Does this mean more arms trade with Iran? Or will it be more Jelly-beans in his office?). Don’t get me wrong Ronnie Reagan did some amazing things but he wasn’t our greatest President. Again what does this mean to me a Utah citizen? Oh yeah nothing…

My favorite written assertion is this peach on what will happen if the Dems win:”After It will mean increased dependence on foreign oil, rising gas prices and falling moral standards.” Is foreign oil ripping us off different than the domestic’s ripping us off? Or falling moral standards? This seems ironic. I haven’t seen any moral standard in Congress in the last few years. We had Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham, an eight-term congressman sent to prison for “gasp” bribery, Mark Foley’s romp through the pages, Orin Hatch’s influence freeing of all things a convicted cocaine user from a middle eastern prison.

The point of the diatribe is to get politicians to do voters a favor. Focus on the facts of who you are, what you do, what are your values and how will you serve your constituents. Give us some information to make an informed decision because nothing else really matters.

Kudos to some of the local TV media for providing debates and forums for the candidates to provide us information as I have so enjoyed Orin Hatch stumbling on questions and wow Chris Cannon thanks for not answering basic simple questions from average Utahans. Cannon looked like an idiot. And sorry Pete Ashdown wow you didn’t convince me to vote for you despite my disdain for Hatch…

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Monday, October 23, 2006

Where Have the Brave Gone?

"No one ever won a war by dying for his country.
He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country."
- Attributed to General George Patton Jr.
(from "A Genius for War" by Carlo d'Este)

I have lately been bothered by fear of what has become of my country. The blanket of the Constitution is one of the greatest documents ever conceived and it is being destroyed thread by thread. I think somewhere in the middle of the Vietnam War, America became soft. We lost the will to be great by losing the will to fight. World War II would never be won by us if we had the mindset that we do today. We are now a country of cowards who think that peace always means never lifting a fist to defeat evil, and injustice. We lost our ability to distinguish between right and wrong, good and evil and we have drifted into a moral fog that moves us towards moral bankruptcy. We have become beholden to the almighty dollar and right and wrong no longer matters. America values money more than freedom and liberty. The deconstruction of our society has crept into the moral fabric of our great country and is eating away like rust eating away a mighty ship.

“And so today, I sound the same words of warning as Paul the Apostle of old: “For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears;

‘And they shall turn away their ears from the truth, and shall be turned unto fables.” (2 Tim. 4:3–4.)’ Quote from L. Tom Perry, “For the Time Will Come When They Will Not Endure Sound Doctrine,” Ensign, Nov. 1975, 85

If we want to become what we once were we need to find God again.
We need to find good.
We need to stomp out our enemies and fight the good fight.

How do we win in Iraq/Afghanistan?
We win by following the George S. Patton Jr. Battle Plan. Take the gloves off. Our enemies are exploiting us by using the freedom and our belief in fair play. They are exploiting it to our detriment. We didn’t learn from the French in Indo-China before the Vietnam War. We didn’t learn from General Bui Tin after Vietnam.

Take the gloves off… You don’t let your enemy run the war by using cowardice techniques. You don’t let the yellow cowards of the American press dictate the war. Since when is America afraid of the world? We are letting foreign countries dictate how and what we do… In war you fight hard, fast and overwhelm your enemy using ruthless brute force to kill your opponents will to fight. We have failed to do this. We have cowered to the demands of the world and forgot the best interests of America.

I often what our greatest leaders would have done in a world like today. I think a leader like George Patton would lead us to victory despite the cowards who limit our successes. Anyway… Here are some Patton quotes to enjoy.

"An army is a team. It lives, eats, sleeps, fights as a team.
This individuality stuff is a bunch of bullshit."
- General George Patton Jr.

"Prisoner of War guard companies, or an equivalent organization, should be as far forward as possible in action to take over prisoners of war, because troops heated with battle are not safe custodians. Any attempt to rob or loot prisoners of war by escorts must be dealt strictly with."
- General George S. Patton. ("War as I knew it" 1947)

“It is absurd to believe that soldiers who cannot be made to wear the proper uniform can be induced to move forward in battle. Officers who fail to perform their duty by correcting small violations and in enforcing proper conduct are incapable of leading.”
- General George S. Patton Jr.., April 1943

“You cannot be disciplined in great things and indiscipline in small things. Brave undisciplined men have no chance against the discipline and valor of other men. Have you ever seen a few policemen handle a crowd?”
- General George S. Patton Jr., May 1941,
in an address to officers and men of the Second Armored Division.

"War is an art and as such is not susceptible of explanation by fixed formula"
- General George Patton Jr.

"If a man does his best, what else is there?"
- General George Patton Jr.

"If everyone is thinking alike, someone isn't thinking."
- General George Patton Jr.

"Infantry must move forward to close with the enemy. It must shoot in order to move…. To halt under fire is folly. To halt under fire and not fire back is suicide. Officers must set the example"
- General George Patton Jr. "War as I knew it" 1947

"Few men are killed by the bayonet, many are scared by it. Bayonets should be fixed when the fire fight starts"
- General George Patton Jr., "War as I knew it" 1947

"All men are timid on entering any fight. Whether it is the first or the last fight, all of us are timid. Cowards are those who let their timidity get the better of their manhood."
- General George Patton Jr., "War as I knew it" 1947

Accept the challenges so that you can feel the exhilaration of victory.
- General George Patton Jr.

Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.
- General George Patton Jr.

Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way.
- General George Patton Jr.

Courage is fear holding on a minute longer.
- General George Patton Jr.

Pressure makes diamonds.
- General George Patton Jr.

May God have mercy upon my enemies, because I won't.
- General George Patton Jr.

If you can't get them to salute when they should salute and wear the clothes you tell them to wear, how are you going to get them to die for their country?
- General George Patton Jr.

Never tell people how to do things.
Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
- General George Patton Jr.

Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack.
- General George Patton Jr.

Do your damnedest in an ostentatious manner all the time.
- General George Patton Jr.

Wars may be fought with weapons, but they are won by men.
- General George Patton Jr.

I am a soldier, I fight where I am told, and I win where I fight.
- General George Patton Jr.

"We want to get the hell over there. The quicker we clean up this Goddamned mess, the quicker we can take a little jaunt against the purple pissing Japs and clean out their nest, too. Before the Goddamned Marines get all of the credit."
- General George S. Patton, Jr.
(addressing to his troops before Operation Overlord, June 5, 1944)

"Sure, we want to go home. We want this war over with. The quickest way to get it over with is to go get the bastards who started it. The quicker they are whipped, the quicker we can go home. The shortest way home is through Berlin and Tokyo. And when we get to Berlin, I am personally going to shoot that paper hanging son-of-a-bitch Hitler. Just like I'd shoot a snake!"
- General George S. Patton, Jr.
(addressing his troops before Operation Overlord, June 5, 1944)

"Make your plans to fit the circumstances."
- General George S. Patton, Jr.

"Moral courage is the most valuable and usually the most absent characteristic in men."
- General George S. Patton, Jr.

"Take calculated risks."
- General George S. Patton, Jr.

"There's a great deal of talk about loyalty from the bottom to the top. Loyalty from the top down is even more necessary and is much less prevalent. One of the most frequently noted characteristics of great men who have remained great is loyalty to their subordinates."
- General George S. Patton, Jr.

"You're never beaten until you admit it."
- General George S. Patton, Jr.

"It is only by doing things others have not that one can advance."
- General George S. Patton, Jr.

"A pint of sweat will save a gallon of blood."
- General George S. Patton, Jr.

"All glory is fleeting."
- General George S. Patton, Jr.

"A leader is a man who can adapt principles to circumstances."
- General George S. Patton, Jr.

"Success demands a high level of logistical and organizational competence."
- General George S. Patton, Jr.

"Perpetual peace is a futile dream."
- General George S. Patton, Jr.

"It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived."
- General George S. Patton, Jr.

"The test of success is not what you do when your on top. Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom."
- General George S. Patton, Jr.

"If I win I can't be stopped! If I lose I shall be dead."
- General George S. Patton, Jr.

"Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity."
- General George S. Patton, Jr.

"Audacity, audacity, always audacity."
(English translation of the French Proverb)
- General George Patton Jr's Favorite Saying

"Magnificent! Compared to war all other forms of human endeavor shrink to insignificance.
God help me, I do love it so!"
- General George Patton Jr.

"A good plan executed today is better than a perfect plan executed at some indefinite point in the future."
- General George Patton Jr.

There is only one tactical principle which is not subject to change. It is to use the means at hand to inflict the maximum amount of wound, death, and destruction on the enemy in the minimum amount of time."
- General George Patton Jr.

"Go forward until the last round is fired and the last drop of gas is expended...then go forward on foot!"
- General George Patton Jr.

"It is the unconquerable nature of man and not the nature of the weapon he uses that ensures victory."
- General George Patton Jr.

"Fixed fortifications are monuments to the stupidity of man."
- General George Patton Jr.

"If you are going to win any battle, you have to do one thing. You have to make the mind run the body. Never let the body tell the mind what to do... the body is never tired if the mind is not tired."
-General George S. Patton

"I don’t give a damn about the color of your skin, just kill as many sons of bitches wearing green as you can."
- Attributed to General George Patton Jr.

"Just drive down that road, until you get blown up"
- General George Patton, about reconnaissance troops

"You must do your damnedest and win."
-General George S. Patton

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Fanta Girl Costumes

The soft drink company Fanta has created a unique costume rage for 2006. Its the Fanta Girl Halloween Costume. Do to the tremendous amount of traffic to my site generated by this I am including some links on where to buy your Fanta Girl Costume.

Fanta Girl Costumes

Fanta Girl Costume (Red)

Fanta Girl Costume (Purple)

Fanta Girl Costume (Orange)

Fanta Girl Costume (Yellow)

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Thursday, October 12, 2006

Rep. Chris Cannon, R-Utah “Precocious” Pages Egged on Foley…

What the hell? The longer I live in Utah the more I am embarrassed by our national political leaders. For example Chris Cannon has gone from being a questionable representative to being the Chris the Fool on the Hill. Cannon believes and has publicly commented that Congressman Foley should not bear all of the blame for allegedly sending sexually explicit messages to House pages. KSL Link

Rep. Chris Cannon, R-Utah said, "Frankly, this is the responsibility of the parents. If you get online you may find people who are creepy. There are creepy people out there who will do and say creepy things. Avoid them. That's what you have to do. And maybe we can say that a little more to the pages."

The Congressman also said some of the pages were "precocious" and suggested they were guilty of "egging" Congressman Foley into sending inappropriate email.
Rep. Chris Cannon, R-Utah: "You know, these kids are actually precocious kids. It looks like, just maybe, this one email was just a prank, just a bunch of kids sitting around, egging this guy on, you know. So, uh, the world's a complicated place, and we just have to do the best we can."

So Chris does it make it ok to do any of the following:
Rape someone because they looked “attractive”? After all it was their fault for being attractive. Murder someone because “egged me on to kill them” Or maybe rob a bank after all the money made me do it..
Suck it up Chris… Everyone knows that it is only one person’s fault here and it case your too dim witted to realize it, it’s Foley’s own fault for being a pervert. It isn’t the pages’ fault and it isn’t because Mark Foley is an alcoholic nor is it because of being molested by a priest or any other silly excuse. It is his own poor judgment and choice that did this.

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Wednesday, October 11, 2006

“Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?”

“If I stay there might be trouble if I go there might be double.” This musical genius question was first posed by the Clash in the early 1980’s. And now it’s the eternal question of fans. Being a fan, makes this something that I struggle with myself.Lately, Gasp, I have been questioning my fan status as a Brigham Young Cougar fan.

Let me explain how it all began. We are all familiar with the frog and boiling water? A frog thrown into boiling water jumps out but a frog that is set in cold water and is slowly brought to a boil does not jump out. This is how my “fan-hood” started. Some how I was tricked into becoming a BYU fan in my youth. Maybe it was because I am LDS? Maybe it was years of watching the Holiday Bowl after all it was the only time BYU was broadcast in my native California? Maybe it was because I attended BYU camps as a young boy going to Basketball, Baseball and even EFY for several consecutive years (5)? Maybe it was because at age 18 a very close friend of mine, Mike Stoddard, who had also got me interested in BYU camps, called me up and asked, “Are you going to BYU for college?” “Um Sure” was my uneasy reply since the idea of college hadn’t really crossed my young mind. Maybe it was my very first trip to the then Cougar Stadium? It’s tough not to be persuaded when I was privileged as a student to sit in the very first row of the stands at the 40-yard. And I mean the very first row. Or maybe it was because at this first game I was dressed in blue and was broadcast on ESPN screaming like an idiot as ESPN rolled into commercial. Maybe it was watching Ty Detmer’s career blossom at Cougar Stadium as I went to BYU? I can’t tell you when it happened but it happened like a frog being boiled slowly and not being bright enough to jump out. I became a fan.

Like any fans the years passed with watching games on TV and when living locally in Utah season tickets. I was becoming an addict.

Like any addict, the method to a cure is to admit you are an addict. Hi!!! My name is Eran and I have a problem. I am a BYU Cougar fan. There I admitted it publicly. I guess I will treat this like the repentance process.

Why would I want to change the error in my ways? Well its been a slow process but just like becoming a fan I have fallen out of the addiction. It started one day when they raised student season ticket prices. I don’t remember when but it was around the 1999 or 2000 season. Yes I was committing a BYU sin by convincing a BYU student to buy two season tickets like there were allowed and reselling them to me with a nice “thank you for helping me out fee”. It was innocuous enough. I helped a BYU student learn the free market economy and I got season tickets at a price that was in my budget. I thought it a victimless crime. The next phase was the outrageous prices on food. BYU Football used to be bargain entertainment that everyone could afford but the times they were a changing and BYU was changing. I thought BYU was starting to get greedy. Maybe former BYU athletic director Val “I’m good bud’s with Gary Crowton” Hale was just trying to afford Gary Crowton’s contract? Who knows?

The next shot across the bow was when Val Hale decides to take the prime student section bench seating along the east stands and put shrink capacity by putting in seats and charges season ticket holders $1000 a seat for fancy new seats. It used to be the west stands were for the geezer fans and the rest of the stadium was for students. The old seating meant that student seats were cheap and plentiful and rarely were they able to be scalped except in the rare circumstances of a top 10 team visiting in a good Cougar year.

Enter 9-11 and the insanity that brought. No longer was outside food a drink allowed in. This is a treat if you are a diabetic. Also add in the fact that no longer could you have an unopened bottle of water purchased from the Gadianton’s at the snack bar. Instead you purchased your water and they removed the cap. We all know that Al Queada uses water bottles purchased at Cougar Stadium to terrorize the Saints. Side note: I strongly feel that they were just recycling the water but that is just my opinion I could be totally half baked.

In the mean time I have endured three losing seasons and then a “successful” season of 6-6 ball and a lame bowl game. Sure Gary the anti-christ was crucified and his buddy Val “there is no conflict of interest if my son gets a full ride scholarship even though he gets a substantial tuition reduction” Hale is also sacked. Happy Day All is Well.

So what finally pushed me from the BYU fold? It wasn’t losing seasons… Hell the Pittsburgh Pirates have been losing consistently since 1980 and I still am a hopeful fan despite the fact that I am more likely to be translated than to see them World Champions. Its not the fact that BYU football had harbored criminals like Florida and the mob. Its not the fact that they built a $50 million dollar statue of Baal to football or is it a practice facility that by the way isn’t open on “Pioneer Day” . No!!! what has pushed me over the edge is the lame new TV contract with MTN (aka Comcast).

The Mountain West Conference brilliantly (dripping with sarcasm) signed an $80,000,000 contract with them for the sole rights of broadcast.This doesn’t sound like Satan’s plan does it? It certainly does. Last year CSTV broadcast games and it was horrible. I saw better broadcasting on KBYU TV’s Student news shows. It was appalling. Fans ripped them a new one. I have read that CSTV aka the MTN aka Comcast still sucks. PLEASE READ: So far, mtn. not delivering from the Deseret News, as it is a fine depiction of the MTN. Side note Dave “I can’t afford a soccer stadium” Checkett’s is a major player in CSTV. In the preseason there were concerns that games would not be broadcast to the local markets. No more were games to be shown on KSL, KJZZ or even ESPN… NO the MTN is the sole provider of the games. The only way to get this network is to be a premium Comcast subscriber. That’s right kids no other TV provider will work. So far this seasons there have been exceptions but it was due to who the teams played who had other TV deals. Now that conference play has arrived Comcast and BYU has screwed the fan. It is currently impossible to watch any games. Mix in the right amount of stench by announcing this lame deal a week before the season. That’s right folks no time to change TV providers or to complain about a crappy deal.

Last week BYU’s new athletic director Tom Holmoe (that isn’t what we have been calling him in my house lately) on TV said that his hands were tied there was nothing he could do but he urged fans to call their TV providers and complain. Here is my free opinion… He is lying. Comcast is trying to create value by holding fans hostage. BYU is just going along. This is total crap.

My bottom line is this botched TV deal has made it so I have officially given up my BYU Fan status. I, Eran Bair officially and publicly renounce my Brigham University Cougars Fanhood. Happy Trails to You, You Pathetic Bastards!!! May the Devil Devour Your Bodies and Enjoy Your Souls.

PS this TV deal also affects University of Utah fans…as well as every team in the MWC.

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Thursday, October 05, 2006

Representive Mark Foley Is Seriously In Denial

Is any one else repulsed by Rep. Mark Foley?

I sure am and let me explain why. Mark Foley did the right thing by resigning but he fails to take any responsibility. Foley has an excuse for everything but himself. Foley seems to think that it is acceptable to blame his poor choices and action on the following: I am an alcoholic. I was sexually abused by gasp a priest and I would release his name and denomination if my legal counsel hadn’t warned me against such action. Note to Foley take responsibility for your actions. No one else is to blame and to try to hide behind your lawyers silly statements of revelation is ridiculous. Wake up and apologize for being an idiot. America is quite forgiving when it comes to forgiving most crimes. Hell Marion Barry got re-elected after serving time for cocain.

And one other thing…
Why is ok for Foley to say I am proud to be a Gay-American? I don’t care what your sexual orientation is. You don’t hear people saying they are proud to be a Heterosexual-American. You are either an American or you aren’t.

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Wednesday, October 04, 2006

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