Monday, May 16, 2005
"A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "
"Sure, the lion is king of the jungle but airdrop him into Antarctica, & he's just a penguin's bitch"
"Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese."
"You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven okay?"
"And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their brekfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee."
"You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R"
"A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error."
"After seven years of marriage, I'm sure of two things -- first, never wallpaper together, and second, you'll need two bathrooms . . . both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in. "
"State Legislators are merely politicians whose darkest secret prevents them from running for a higher office."
"If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem."
"Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time."
"Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels."
"I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave. "
"We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head."
"Of course that's just my opinion, I could be wrong."