Making a Mockery

Friday, December 16, 2005

Lust Is Blind

On a trip to Washington DC, I got a chance to visit the Library of Congress. During my tour, the tour guide mentioned that they had a Braille version of Playboy. I asked to see it being the smart aleck that I am but she insisted it was unavailable at that time. Years past and I forgot about my trip until today when it was brought back to my memory by this article about Playboy in Braille in the Banterist.. (This link is safe NO PORN but includes photos of the issue, which is only raised dots.) It is nice to see good ole Hugh Heffner getting in on novelty marketing, producing something so absurd that the press will surely pick it up and give you free advertising.

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Thursday, December 15, 2005

Signs You Might Be in a Bad Neighborhood

When you know after a few trips to the Wal-Mart down the street that when "we have a code 387 south entrance" is screamed over the intercom it means a shoplifter has just left the building. (I have only been to this Wal-Mart three times and everytime before 8 am)

When you are the only white person in the Wal-Mart in a state where 90% of the population is white.

When the checker speaks Spanish to you and wears a pin that says I speak English.

Wal-Mart smells like Curry.

The Salvation Army Santa is inside the building before the check out and has an armed guard.

Over the counter cold medicine is in a locked cage and you have to show ID to get from the pharmacist. And the pharmacist asks why you need it even though your voice sounds like Yoda. And then get IDed again at the check out.

Your place of employment has more cameras than NBC.

You get ID'ed when using a debit card with a pin number.

These are all things I have noticed in the last month while working in the lovely Welfare Valley City.

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Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Tis the Season for Wackos
Being a religious person I sometimes think that the commercialization of Christmas has gone too far but never did I think to have a murderous Santa display.

I nearly wet my pants when a friend of mine sent me this.
Man dates Gal on Internet for six months - and it turns out she's his mother! Some quotes from the news article: "The conversations even got a little racy a couple of times. But I really started to fall for her, because there seemed to be a sensitive side that you don't see in many girls. She sent me poems she had written and told me about her dreams and desires, and it was really very romantic."

Signs you shouldn't be a thief: You smash through a door that has a note that reads Please Use Other Door.

If your lawyer describes his testicles, you get a new trial. Of course it's in Florida.

The Golden State Warriors suck so bad their season ticket promo features Star Players from their opponents. My favorite was the Shaq Paq.

That's Not Your Husband, It's a Mannequin! Is this a sign of how bad our mental healthcare really is?

Microsoft's CEO will have to shop for his Xbox. Steve Ballmer said, "Thanks to the wonders of Sarbanes-Oxley, management does not get a free Xbox 360," BOO HOO!!!

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Buy him a ticket
Here is the response from a fellow reader in the Salt Lake Tribune to Thursday's RW Rasband letter.

Buy Him a Ticket
R.W. Rasband (Forum, Dec. 8) complains that "only the wealthiest, wine-and-cheese Salt Lake east bench liberals" will be able to go to Maureen Dowd's $95 per-ticket book signing at Sundance. I feel your pain, R.W. I'm as liberal as the next fella, but I'm not going either because I can't stand Maureen Dowd's writing. I've never been able to finish a single column without gagging, and I wouldn't go to see her for free. But clearly, Mr. Rasband wants to go. I'm willing to kick in $20. Any of you other wine-and-cheese types willing to help buy him a ticket? Michael P. Greer Sandy Salt Lake Tribune

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Monday, December 12, 2005

Can I Quote You on That?
I am an assembler of quotes. It takes less time with the advent of the computer. Here are a few that I have found in the last year...

"The less confident you are, the more serious you have to act." -- Tara Ploughman

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." -- Philip K. Dick

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." -- Winston Churchill

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the Government and report the facts." -- Will Rogers

"Americans spend an average of four hours a day watching TV, an hour of that enduring ads. That adds up to an astounding 10% of total leisure time; at current rates, a typical viewer fritters away three years of his life getting bombarded with commercials." -- Scott Woolley, Forbes

"There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting." -- David Letterman

"When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried before." -- Mae West

"We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about." -- Albert Einstein

"Fig Newton: The force required to accelerate a fig 39.37 inches per sec."--J. Hart

"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."--Mitch Hedberg

"The prospect of a long day at the beach makes me panic. There is no harder work I can think of than taking myself off to somewhere pleasant, where I am forced to stay for hours and 'have fun'."--Phillip Lopate

"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it." --Ellen Goodman

"The only man who is really free is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse."--Jules Renard

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."--Phyllis Diller

"Be sincere; be brief; be seated."--Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men."--Martin Luther King Jr.

"There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?"--Kin Hubbard

"A person has three choices in life. You can swim against the tide and get exhausted, or you can tread water and let the tide sweep you away, or you can swim with the tide, and let it take you where it wants you to go. "--Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider, Northern Exposure, Northern Lights, 1993

"There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed."--Peter Sellers

"There's no easy way out. If there were, I would have bought it. And believe me, it would be one of my favorite things! "--Oprah Winfrey

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."--Jeff Valdez

"He who builds a better mousetrap these days runs into material shortages, patent-infringement suits, work stoppages, collusive bidding, discount discrimination--and taxes."--H. E. Martz

"Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few."--George Bernard Shaw

"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?" -_Jean Cocteau

"When companies ship Styrofoam what do they pack it in?"--Steven Wright

"Do what you do so well that they will want to see it again and bring their friends"--Walt Disney

"The fragrance always remains on the hand that gives the rose."--Gandhi

"You cant live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you."--John Wooden

"Flaming enthusiasm, backed up by horse sense and persistence, is the quality that most frequently makes for success."--Dale Carnegie

"Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom."--George S. Patton

"A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes."--Mark Twain

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure."--Mark Twain

"Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more."--Mark Twain

"Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest."--Mark Twain

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I am afraid of widths."--Steven Wright

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."--Steven Wright

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."--Steven Wright

"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he s gone."--Steven Wright

"What we've gone through in the last several years has caused some people to question; Can we trust Microsoft?"--Steve Ballmer

"The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax."--Albert Einstein

"We don't have a monopoly. We have market share. There's a difference."--Steve Ballmer

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."--George Carlin

"Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets."--Yogi Berra

"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done."--Andy Rooney

"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."--Jerry Seinfeld

"Men want the same thing from women and their underwear: support, comfort, and freedom."--Jerry Seinfeld
"There must be some kind of way out of here said the joker to the thief."--Bob Dylan

"He who does not read good books has no advantage over he who cannot read them."--Mark Twain

"Read the best books first, or you may not have a chance to read them at all."--Henry David Thoreau

"Treat your customers like they own you, because they do."--Mark Cuban

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."--Steven Wright

"Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds."--Franklin D. Roosevelt

"It's choice - not chance - that determines your destiny."--Jean Nidetch

"Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog."--Doug Larson

"In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear."--John C. Dvorak

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."--Rich Cook

"If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside."--Robert X. Cringely

"That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you."--A. Whitney Brown

"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him."--Mark Twain

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."--George Carlin

"Its never just a game when you're winning."--George Carlin

"Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home."--Bill Cosby

"I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."--Gilda Radner

"Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for."--Will Rogers

"I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago."--Will Rogers

"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."--Will Rogers

"Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose."--Andy Rooney

"The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."--Andy Rooney

"I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it after the IRS."--Robert Bakker (This man is quite entertaining, I heard him speak at Sundance)

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